When I meet my husband, he was a senior in High school, I was a Sophomore in High school, we got to talking about his career, and I mentioned to him that if we get married, and have kids, I want to stay home with them.
Fast forward 10 years and we have a sweet baby girl that I get to stay home with, High school sweetheart and I got married and he is now graduating from Iowa with a PharmD, to practice Pharmacy.
Sounds simple enough, life is all good, most of the time. It is, and I count my blessings as often as I can. However Life wasn't always "good" for me, I suffer from seasonal depression, I have a history of mental and emotional abuse as a child, and I had to rely on my testimony of my Savior, and my faith to see me through those rough times in life.
A friend recently asked me would you have rather gone through the hardships in life later in your life, or as a child? I said without a doubt as a child, but I am grateful for that perspective it has given me. Truly we all have trials and roadblocks to test our character, I am grateful that I went through character damaging events as a child, and not as an adult.
I don't understand depression, My mother was depressed for most of her adult life. I don't have depression nearly that bad, I do not self-medicate, but I do things to keep my mental state in a mental place that I can be "normal" During those hard times.
I suffered from loneliness the first year of my daughter's life. I remember thinking that I was the only one that has ever felt this way, which in fact most first time moms feel this way, and yet we don't talk about it much. That loneliness went away when I met some dear friends in a small rural town in Iowa where we reside. Becoming a stay at home mom was everything I wanted to do, after the graphic art and photography years in college, something was missing, and it was the nurturing bond a mother has for her children. So once I became a Sahm, It took me a good year to adjust to this whole new life, everything changed, as you know! I thought that it was a fairy tale, that has finally come to a happy end. which that part of my life had come to an end, I am now on to my second act in life.
My personality has grown tenfold in the past 7 years of my beautiful daughter's life, my former child would not recognize the grown up me. I hope in a good way. In lots of ways, I am still a goofy silly girl. With a much more deeper and richer personality. I have felt stretched, refined, and whole through motherhood.
Not too long ago, while I was still nursing my youngest who is now 2, My seasonal depression and the weight of losing my mother was more than I could bear. I was in a state of mourning, and sadness. My sweet spirit and personality became bitter and sad. Through this road block of depression, I felt as if anyone else could raise my children better than what I was doing. (not good thoughts at all.) Looking back, I know that those thoughts were not inspired by god, or by me. Again I am not going to understand depression, but I do know that I was influenced by other evils from the world. my breaking point was when I was told by everyone that I loved, that I am not the Lisa they knew. It hurt. I remembering thinking that, if that is how you feel leave me, I don't care. (ouch!)
So I prayed, read my scriptures a lot, little by little I pondered about my life, and where I am and where I am going. It didn't matter what was going on I didn't care. I wanted to be numb, if I can't be sad, then I don't want to feel joy or happiness. So I numbed myself from all emotions. Until the day I realized that we are on this earth to feel joy. You have to feel sorrow to feel joy. Little by little, I listened to my amazing husband about how to help my mind, body, and spirit to work through this depression. It worked, I have subscribed a healthy dose of Vitamin D. I did lots and lots of re-training my mental state of mind to help my depression go away. And it did! For me, it was a miracle.
My thoughts are different than they were in my depressed state, my conduct is much more nurturing and patient towards my family, and my self-worth has grown. those feelings of inadequacy are still there but I know I am worth more than I realize, and that is a huge blessing.
So I am posting on a regular basis, and hope to help mothers by posting the good in life, the magic of childhood through nurturing an art-filled life that we can be proud of.
To All Good mothers everywhere WE ARE DOING BETTER THAN WE THINK!
So welcome to my little blog, I hope you can feel inspired and loved by our Savior in whom I love and worship.