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In this Corvid 19 Era- I have had some isolation in my life and thought I would share my insights.
When my oldest was 3 months old, My Dear Husband and I moved to a rural town in Iowa, I knew no one, and had no clue what I was doing, and worst of all my family was 1.5 hours away- I was alone in a new small rural town with no one I knew but my husband who worked 60 hours most weeks, I Had no clue how to be this SAHM, and felt very isolated. not only that, the nearest target, mall and other retail shopping venues that I took so much for granted was over an hour away.
Over the years I found some things that really helped me, and my family to thrive:
Balance
space
Routines
finding your sweet spot
Finding Balance
My family, Dr. asked are you taking care of your self like you should be?, and I was like sure- with 3 children under 6 and staying home with them while my husband works 60 hours a week, sure, that's the answer you want to hear right? Never mind that I cry like every day, and feel grumpy most days- sure I am taking care of my self. (6 years ago) Not me now- and yes, looking back I was in a depression.
After my third child, I was stretched thin, My Mother just passed away- I was emotionally beat.
That was 6 years ago- My balance was off-kilter. It was killing me slowly and driving a wedge in my Husband's and I's relationship. I now understand what it means to have a balanced life.
When I talk about Balance for a mother, My mind often goes to the mental part of your daily life. I didn't realize 6 years ago how much of life I was missing out on.
Sometimes we all have to stay home with our kids that are "turkeys" it's my nice way of saying you're being a real brat, or pain in the... (you get the point.) We can carry this Cross with the courage and make it work for your family.
Here are my go-to ways to bring balance to my life:
Daily check-ins- they sound crazy, or silly, and maybe, but I do know and can tell a difference when I check in with my self on those days that I don't It's a way for me to be more accountable with what I do in my life, and in the life of my kids.
Daily check-ins help put things into perspective. It's a way to share my thoughts and feelings in a notebook, Sometimes I will ask my self some questions, like how do I feel about... and see what comes up. I have a whole blog post about my Morning pages, (which are what Daily Check-ins) However you do daily check-ins- it's worth it. Here is another good example personal daily check-ins might look like.
Mental and physical balance is key a well. as a stay at home mom, I don't get those hour blocks of time to myself. I get moments of time to myself, and I utilize those moments for the benefit for myself and for my kids.
For example, keeping a gratitude journal, if I am feeling anxious or uptight, I keep a journal of gratitude, it's simple, it started out to be a list of things I was grateful for- and the lists were very seasonable, during spring it was the color of the beautiful tulip, or fall it was the tree and the leaves that I saw on my walk with my dog. My gratitude journal has morphed into a sketchbook of what I love, usually the natural world, but for those 5-10 minutes of sketching has saved me from saying hurtful things to my kids or to my husband, because I took the small amount of time to unwind and take a break, to bring back more balance.
Finding your space
Everyone- even our kids need space. even if it's a small corner in your house. a space that you can call your own, and that you can make it into whatever you want it to be. For me, it's two places in my house, a makeshift "art studio" and my bedroom, (where I go when I don't want to be around my kids)
My "art studio" has a computer in it, and a workspace where I can go and be alone and create to my little's heart desire. there is where I picked out the countertop that I love, I decorate it however I feel like, and it's my space.
My "reading nook" is my space in my bedroom, it has an old Lazy Boy recliner that I can read in, and look out my window. I will often let my kids read on that chair, it's not much, but it does help save me from being too uptight when I need a couple minutes to unwind, rejuvenate, and just be able to breathe.
During the months that I can be outside, I have a little cafe table that I use to paint outside or read outside when the weather is nice and my kids are playing outside. It's simple but brings me a lot of peace and joy.
When finding a space to call your own, make sure it's a place where your whole family knows that when you are in your "space" you are not to be bugged. It's not a place that should be on the main level of your house (although my painting easel is on the main level on my house.
I really liked reading this experience about creating a personal space I also enjoy knowing where you are in life, this author has some good insight to personal space.
The goal here is to be able to take a break, and use this space to feel more peace and joy and breathe.
Going back to feeling isolated, and then at some point getting into the "depression state" I was in, was really due part to the fact that I didn't have a routine for me, I had one for my kids, but not for me- I was "too good for it" Really!? yes really. Until I had my daily check-in and found that routines for me personally will really help.
My life was centered around my kids, I was slowly killing my inner spirit. Literally, I was making everyone around me miserable.
One of the basic needs that psychologists will recommend is a routine- I just took it a step further and created a routine for me. I wake up 2 hours before my kids wake up to meditate, write, paint, do my daily check-ins and it gives me so much peace, that way I am ready for the kid to be awake and for me to be the mom they need me to be- it's that simple. then the family routine comes into play, and our routines blend well.
Some articles that I thought were helpful in illustrating this point are:
The procrastination Vortex
Why Routines are good for your health
I love this one about making a morning routines
With feelings of isolation from friends and family, we are losing our direction- Or at least I am at times. I have had to "soul search" what is most important. Sometimes it writing it out, Sometimes, most often it's taking a quiet look around, and just sit, take in the atmosphere, and then breath, I then ask myself, what is really needed? How can I make the best out of today? I always tell myself when I am feeling like I lost my footing, and can not quite find the words to express how I feel, I tell my self over and over again: Whatever you are- Be a good one!
When I ask myself, what am I, how can I be the best at that- answers come- they come when I listen to my true self, usually when I do the mundane things, like laundry, dishes, sewing, painting, it comes. (did you know I have another blog where I can share my creativity?) MaydreamRose.com I so love sharing peace and joy that creativity brings me!
I challenge you to write out your thoughts for 30 minutes, or 3 pages whichever comes first. The goal of this exercise is to get to the heart of your sweet spot, it takes time and it takes weeks, even months to write every day for 30 minutes. It's worth every minute I promise you- as a successful Stay at home mom during this really trying time, it's been a blessing to write my thoughts and feelings out- no one has to read it, Don't let anyone read it- it's yours to own, and to keep.
Here's what and how I write- I call them Morning pages, it came from Julia Cameron's The Artist's way, and partly from the Health Coach institute on stress relief.
1. write out what is making you stress, and get those feelings out- take your time- if it takes all 30 minutes- great! your feelings and drama should be on the page- not in your thoughts, or brain.
2. Now that those intense feelings are out on the page for them to "dry out" list a couple things that I am grateful for, proud of what you did, and how you made someone smile in the past 24 hours.
3.. when you have felt that relief of writing out your frustration, and feeling proud that you got something accomplished, then you can ask yourself- how can I change what I can do to feel more joy and peace in my life? This takes me most of the time to work through
Here could be a short example of my Morning pages-writing:
I am so annoyed that my kids are not helping me clean up- they leave their crap out all day long I go around picking up after them all day long.
using phrases like:
I am also annoyed that...
it makes me upset that...
I am really angry that...
These statements help you get your feelings acknowledged and out of your brain so you don't have to carry it around all day.
Then I would write something like this:
Life isn't all that bad, I made my kids smile when I told them that our favorite old-time movie is playing at our local theater, and we are going to go see it Thursday. I am proud that I finished painting the office/studio and now we are just waiting on some countertops! I am also glad that my tomatoes and strawberry are blooming, and I can't wait to eat some garden-fresh produce from my garden!
I think keeping my sanity is important, and I think to bring back some of that joy in our home, my kids are going to have to be more accountable for picking up after themselves. I could gently remind them to pick up instead of being harsher to them by being sharp and snappy at them. I will try that next time they leave their plates on the table, see if that changes anything.
Something like that... Do this every day- Set an alarm clock everyday 30 mins before you wake up to do them.
Writing out your chaos in your mind is huge, and now I am ready to find my sweet spot, I have often found that my sweet spots are in every day, small moments of my life- especially as a stay at home mom.
Another challenge is to find 20 things that make you happy- if that is too hard, write 20 things that you are personally grateful for this will help you find your sweet spot again.
Here is my list in no particular order
making a tried and true seasonal recipe in the kitchen
doodling in my sketchbook
playing with color schemes in watercolor
painting with Brushos (watercolor crystals)
reading on the porch swing
walking around my garden in the morning
Gardening and planting
taking my dog for a walk
playing a card game with my kids
going to the pool with my kids
sketching my garden and flowers
visiting a park or trail
watch the sunrise
canning jelly and other things (hence the garden)
taking a nice long bath with lavender and bergamot essential oils
sending a card in the mail to a friend
calling a friend and just talking and listening to her.
painting an intuitive landscape or floral
visiting our local zoo (zoo memberships are worth every penny.)
stamping and making a card or two!
There you go, it's getting real you guys! Trying to hold nothing back on my end so you can become the best that you can be!
Take care of yourself!
Luvs-
Lisa Christensen